we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
I can't turn off my feet"
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
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