Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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