My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Randomize
