No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
I'm graduating. Then you'll never see me again.
We better fuck soon then
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
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