Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Randomize