My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
Pregaming class all semester has made this final review session more like my introduction to the topic.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
Randomize
