just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
