and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Randomize
