Whats up?
Drunk as a mother trucker with panties on her thumbnail..laying thee down
Stay up. I'm coming home in a little
Ill try..hurry!!!! Thine hour awaits you
I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
