Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
Randomize
