I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
