I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
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