I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Randomize