Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
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