Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
This is classic penis vs brain.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
pray to the hookup gods
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
Randomize
