And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
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