we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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