you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
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