I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
All I'm saying is that she needs to invest in some razors. But her head game is great. The pros and cons in last minute hook-ups
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
Randomize
