Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
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