Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
Ask Niel how long his lasts if he plays with it a lot.
he says 15-20 minutes depending on the porn.
no his phone, idiot.
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
Randomize
