if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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