she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
I sold him an eighth while trippin balls wearin my girlfriends tutu and tube top. and i was talking about albinos the entire time
well, he defiantly picked the right guy to buy drugs from
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
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