Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
