My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
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