mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
Randomize
