someone get that fucking seahorse.
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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