drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Randomize
