I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
4 words: hood of his car
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
Randomize
