If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
Randomize
