Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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