Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
Randomize
