how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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