I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
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