Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
He yanked my breathe right strip off in the middle of me riding him.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
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