Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
Randomize