I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
This toilet bowl is my home.
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