Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
Quick, to the slutcave!
My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
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