Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Randomize
