There's too many weed/neon/felt Sublime posters in this room and someone just put on a Hunter S. Thompson movie. Save me, now.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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