Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
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