Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
Randomize
