We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
I wish there were birth control emojis
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
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