Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize
