i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
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