remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Come on in and take your pants off
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