new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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