roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
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