right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
Randomize
