I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Randomize
