Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
