the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
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