All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
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