ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
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