i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
I have peed in a lot of sinks
Randomize
