I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
