Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
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