I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
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