Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
